Local Pranksters Won’t Stop Trolling General

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December 8, 2014 by Writing Campus

Lord Thomas
File Photo of Brigadier General Sir Oliver, Lord Thomas

The British Garrison near Inverness has been inundated with malicious mail sent from what can only be presumed is a Scottish sympathizer and forger of great literary proficiency.

Brigadier General Sir Oliver, Lord Thomas, has reportedly received a distressing number of letters sent via post from local miscreants. Disguised as the General’s personal correspondence with his mother, the letters contain endless bawdy puns and insults that apparently only are revealed late in the letter.

“The General was terribly confused,” Lt. Jeremy Foster said, “because letters seem like perfectly legitimate news from the Dowager Lady Thomas.” However, as the letters progress, news about the Dowager’s “flower arrangements for a recent party,” for example are transformed into a “rather vulgar query” about the Brigadier General’s sexual activities and asking if the “cock was waking him up in the morning.” Lt. Foster coughed politely and refrained from further describing the nature of the insinuation.

The General is not the only target of these letters. Corporal Hawkins, a new recruit to the Inverness base, has received several less clever messages, amounting to little more than chicken scratch with phrases like, “Howpin jessie!” and “Ginky numpty!” One letter only had a picture of an English soldier with no trousers, a very small phallus, and an arrow pointing to the drawing with the word “YOU” written. Hawkins shared his letters freely, as he says, because, “I’m not precisely sure what they mean.” He continued, “You are welcome to them. They smell like they’ve been rubbed with shite!”

No clues have emerged as to the origins of the letters, but the Brigadier General is committed to investigating, noting that perhaps the writers may be “the same bastards who keep stealing my claret from the storehouse!”

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