December 1, 2014 by Writing Campus
LEOCH – Despite being 34 years old, Angus Mhor, notorious drunkard and resident exemplar of poor dental hygiene, was once again banished from the adult table at the most recent Gathering and exiled to the so-called “big-kids’ table.” Admonished for his improprieties toward a number of young ladies, as well as his inability to keep food from dribbling on his MacKenzie clan tartan, Mhor sulked at the children’s table during his thirtieth straight year.
“Hamish wilna stop makin’ faces at me!” Mhor complained, while pointing to his nephew, 8-year-old Hamish MacKenzie, child of Laird Colum MacKenzie. “Mrs. Fitz! Tell him to stop! He keeps tryin’ to take my pea mash and fling it at me! I told him it’s mine and he wilna leave me alone! Make him stoooooooop!”
According to Letitia MacKenzie, wife of the Laird of Clan MacKenzie, she has considered allowing the battle-hardened and wily Mr. Mhor to join the rest of the adults and sit at the “grown up” table, but decided against it once Mhor dribbled gravy on a freshly starched white linens as he laughed at his own vulgar joke about lopsided breasts.
“Havin’ Angus sit with us is more trouble than it’s worth,” Lady MacKenzie stated. “Every year he makes a mess of the place settings and offends Iona MacTavish by liftin’ his kilt to show her his ‘wee man’. She near fainted last year before I sent him away!” Lady MacKenzie, clan matriarch, also noted, “Now we can discuss Pamela without havin’ to spell out S-E-X.”
Reportedly, Mr. Mhor is becoming more resistant to being assigned to the kids’ table. “They dinna refill my cup as much as at the adult table, and Mrs. Fitz only serves us grilled cheese and chicken nuggets! A man needs some real food – somethin’ that’s been shot!” Additionally, Mr. Mhor grumbled, “I canna show Mrs. MacTavish that I’m a grower, not a shower.”
No word on whether Mr. Mhor will be assigned to the “big-kids’ table” for Yule celebrations.
NB: This article is a shameless rip off of the hilariously funny post from profootballmock.com, wherein Eli Manning is forced to sit at the kids’ table. We would like to high-five profootballmock on their awesomeness and hope to continue plagiarizing from them in the future.