Dear Highlander: Which Witch is Worse?

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November 20, 2014 by Writing Campus

Dear Highlander received this question for Angus and Rupert:

Fauxlander Question

“@fauxlander which is worse, a Jacobite witch or a Sassenach witch?”

Dear @MuroApril,

Rupert: Ach, lassie. An important question, to be sure! While I ken that Father Bain would say the only good witch is a dead witch, I dinna agree. Sassenach witches are devilishly sly, stealin’ into yer room at night and takin’ yer bairns from their beds, roastin’ their bodies on a spit to feed to the devil himself! Besides, they have that horrible accent, so all of their spells and incantations are doubly awful. Look at what happened to that Lord Thomas fellow and tell me he wasna poisoned by a Sassenach witch! Turned into a downright dwaibly fruitcake! I hear that Sassenach witches brew their potions as teas and serve them with dry, nasty biscuits to old women wearing silly hats. And then, once the old women drink the potions, they grow decrepit and shriveled and say daft things like, “London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years.” It’s like they’re speakin’ in tongues!

Angus: Aye, ‘tis the Sassenach witches who are worse. Jacobite witches may be witches, ye ken, but at least they dinna turn men into wissy sops. Nae – Jacobite witches be the far better variety. While Sassenach witches only work for that fat auld bugger King Geordie, Jacobite witches raise a bit o’ silver now and then for the cause. Plus, Sassenach witches havena any appreciation for what’s underneath the kilt of a handsome laddie! Prudish, dried up old hags who dinna know the difference between a bonnet and a tam. Tcha! A witch for the Stuarts is the better one any day.

Sláinte mhath!

Rupert & Angus

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