November 17, 2014 by Writing Campus
CRANESMUIR – Arthur Duncan, Procurator Fiscal of Cranesmuir Parish, sought assistance from local law enforcement yesterday evening after awakening himself at half-past midnight with the sound of his own gastrointestinal eruption. Mr. Duncan, a long-time sufferer of a variety of stomach maladies, leapt out of bed and fled into the street, fleeing what he then believed to be a burglar.
“I heard it first, ye ken,” Duncan reported on the scene. “It was like a gun shot! I didna think to wake me wife; I didna even have time to grab a nightshirt!” Mr. Duncan was indeed clothed in only his linens and, much to the constable’s dismay, they were somewhat soiled by the incident.
Responders explained to Duncan that the noise was likely of his own making, especially given the circumstances of his linens. “Ye shit yerself, sir,” Constable Robert Menzies pointed out at the scene. “Ye canna see that?” Mr. Duncan, unable to see his own rear-end, was unconvinced. Upon Mr. Duncan’s insistence, a further investigation of the house was conducted and, unsurprisingly, revealed no intruders. Rather, the only remnant of the noise that had awakened Duncan was a rather foul stench.
Since last evening, Mr. Duncan has since consulted with expert in the matters of night terrors and inexplicable health problems, Father Bain. Father Bain, who has assisted hundreds of families in ridding their children of the devil, concluded resoundingly, “’twas demons.” He further elaborated, “Aye. The only odor it can be is that which is described to us in Revelations, Chapter 19, verse 20: ‘the fiery lake of burning sulfur’. The smell of brimstone is, as dictated to us by Saint John of Patmos, quite similar to the odors of the body, which is how we know they are sinful and must be exorcised.”
No further investigation is likely by local law enforcement, but Father Bain has expressed a renewed commitment to discovering the source of Duncan’s ailments. “Demons come in many forms, and the ones that haunt our bowels demand the greatest suppression,” Bain said. Should the cause of Mr. Duncan’s affliction be determined as supernatural, his insurance agency is liable for the expense of a midnight visit from the constabulary – a total of 10 shillings.
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