NEWSFLASH: Local Supplies of Holy Water Run Low

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November 10, 2014 by Writing Campus

Father Bane 2
Father Rictus Bane during recent exorcism

CRANESMUIR – In the wake of the recent epidemic of demonic possessions (click here for the story) in the greater Leoch/Cranesmuir region, holy water supplies have run perilously low. Father Rictus Bain, local parish priest, has reported that he has only 5 vials of the particular holy water necessary for exorcisms, which is apparently called VAG (Vatican-Approved Grade).

“VAG is a very special water said to come from a spring where the Virgin Mary herself bathed,” Father Bain related at his Cranesmuir rectory. “Then, the Holy Father himself bathes in it for good measure.” More worrying, Father Bain noted, is that his remaining vials will only last for “one or two possessions, at most. This water,” he further intoned, “given to us by the holiest Father of our church and the bosom of the Virgin Mary, signifying by divine providence that I, Father Rictus Constipus Bain, am to carry this water to do his holy duty wherever I deem it necessary.”

Other residents of Cranesmuir are less concerned about the sources of the water. Duncan Cameron, local blacksmith, implied that the Father does not receive his holy water directly from the Vatican, but rather from the stream in the woods behind Castle Leoch. “I seen the Faither fillin’ wineskeins from the creek, and I’m no convinced that it does any good at all! After all, a watery tart lyin’ in a creek is no basis for a system of religion, nor is that farcical aquatic ceremony of Bain’s!”

When asked about the validity of Cameron’s criticisms, Father Bain condemned the comments as “heresy” and told him to “shut up!”

Further investigation regarding Cameron’s accusations will be carried out by recent verse-off loser (link), Father Andrew Gow. Gow will also be in the area seeking to reclaim his title as “Verse Off Champion of the Greater Inverness Area,” which he lost to Willie MacKenzie weeks ago (more details here) against wee tyke Hamish MacKenzie, whose skills with Leviticus are legendary.

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