November 6, 2014 by Writing Campus
Angus and Rupert give their best advice each Thursday! (Hey… we said it was their best, not that it was good.) Submit your own questions here!
I’ve been marrit to my wife for nigh over a week. I thought the wedding night was verra good – my new wife didna complain a bit, and she even kissed me goodnight at the end of it! But since then, we havena had relations. I’m worrit that I’ve lost my ability to romance my wife the way that I did on my wedding night. How can I keep our marriage as passionate as it was then?
Dear Bad Romance,
Rupert: Laddie, I’m goin’ tae gie ye a hard truth – yer weddin’ night was no’ romantic for yer wife. Lassies who hae been well bedded can hardly keep their hands off their man… which likely means ye no do it right. Ye did it the proper way – from behind, ye ken? Were ye quick? Did ye make sure to bite her neck? Perhaps give her a wee slap on the bum? If ye took too long, she may hae dozed off under ye. If ye are lookin’ to start again wi’ yer wife, maybe give her a kiss on the cheek and a compliment, then see if she’ll let ye up her skirt. If no, maybe she’s havin’ her flow? Or has a headache? Eh, I dinna know… women are all daft…
Angus: Ach, ye’re forgettin’ the best way of romancin’ a lady – a dram or four of whiskey. If ye’re gantin’ for a wee shag and she’s nae interested, offer her a tipple and then give her a wag of the eyebrows. She’ll know what ye mean, and with a wee flip o’ yer kilt, ye’ll be happier than yer weddin’ night. Just take care ye dinna drink too muckle, or yer cock will nae work!
Best of luck to ye!
Angus & Rupert