NEWSFLASH: Mysterious Abundance of Urine Stains Appear

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November 3, 2014 by Writing Campus

Peeing in Leoch
One suspect, who remains at large.

LEOCH – Castle Leoch housekeeper Glenna Fitzgibbons has reported a variety of mysterious urine stains appears in numerous hallways after the most recent MacKenzie Clan Gathering. The hallways, which had been recently scrubbed and lined with fresh hay and herbs, were soiled in such a great variety of places that Mrs. Fitzgibbons insists that it will take months to freshen them.

“I just had the lassies up and down the place, makin’ sure that we did Himself proud with our cleanin’. But now ‘twill be years afore we can recover from the damage, ye ken?” Mrs. Fitz, as she prefers to be called, noted that a variety of tapestries were also quite sodden and that one such priceless artifact – a medieval tapestry depicting William Wallace showing his arse to English king, Edward I – will likely need to be retired until a specialist from Edinburg can come to repair it.

Upon queries regarding the relative colorlessness of urine for staining, Mrs. Fitz protested, “Whoever ‘twas, the mad bastard must no have pissed in an age, because it’s yellow as mustard and foul as Satan’s breath!” She further elaborated, “No, it must be seen to by Duncan Buchanan – and soon, before the stain sets and himself thinks that William Wallace came down with stomach upset rather than proudly showin’ his bum on behalf of the great Scots nation!”

Mr. Buchanan is widely known for his expertise in tapestry repair, but the trip from Edinburgh will likely take weeks. Until then, Mrs. Fitz commented that she will be “airin’ out the hallways, and hopin’ that the smell ’o piss and whiskey will finally get out of my clothes!”

No suspects have yet been identified in the pissing spree, but Mrs. Fitz has her suspicions. “Och, aye. I’m sure it was Angus Mhor, that eejit. He had piss all over his kilt after the Oath Takin’, and he was drunk oot his face – mumbling somethin’ about ‘Spanish port,’ which we all know doesna exist!” Mr. Mhor is currently out of town, but inquiries will be made as to his activities on the night of the Gathering upon his return.

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