Dear Highlander: My Son is a Wimp

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October 30, 2014 by Writing Campus

Tavern Fight
Each week on Thursdays, Rupert & Angus answer your most pressing concerns!  Submit your questions via our new submission portal here.

Dear Highlander,

Every day at school, the other laddies tease my son and call him names. The boys pull down his kilt, dunk his head in the privy, and call him a girl. He’s no a girl; he’s just a sensitive sort of lad. I want him to start standing up for himself and fight back, but he’s afraid! What kind of ruddy highlander is he if he gets put off by a bunch of schoolboys? What should I do?

Sincerely,

Sissy Son

 

Dear Sissy Son,

Rupert: I dinna know why ye expect that yer son to fight when he likely doesna know how. Ye may have had a dirk in yer hand since ye were a wee lad, but children these days are as like to play with dolls as train up to be warriors. In the old days we all were braw and canty… now, bairns have no skills at all. School is the problem, ye ken! They study philosophy and poetry and Greek – disgusting stuff! They’re turning the lads into lasses with all that slippery double-talk! How do they ever expect to win a lady’s heart with all that? It’s time for ye to get yer lad out of the schoolhouse and into the practice yard. That’ll man him up a bit! Before ye know it, he’ll be beating the snot out o’ those other lads, and perhaps dunking a few heids in the privy himself.

Angus: Pshaw. Are ye sure ye did not breed a girl, and yer cock is so small that ye didna know the difference? Is yer wife teachin’ the lad to sew, as well? For once I agree with Rupert. Quit lettin’ the boy dishonor yer family and make him learn to fight! Otherwise, ye may be findin’ him dressin’ up like a girl and flirtin’ with Rupert before he’s been blooded in war.

Best of luck to ye,

Rupert & Angus

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