NEWSFLASH: English Lieutenant Rescues Incorrect Damsels in Distress

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October 27, 2014 by Writing Campus

Jeremy Foster
Lt. Jeremy Foster during recent rescue of Mrs. Claire Beauchamp

Lieutenant Jeremy Foster has been disciplined for his overzealous rescuing of seven local women, all of whom claim that they were not, in fact, in distress.

“I was comin’ back from filling up the piss pot for waulkin’, and there he was,” Mrs. Donalda Gilchrest related. “I wasna havin’ any trouble, but he insisted on helpin’ me cross the path to a safer side. There is no ‘safer side,’ ye ken! It’s a foot-wide path!” Mrs. Gilchrest attempted to free herself from the ministrations of Lt. Foster, but to no avail. “I tried to pull away, but he wouldna let go!”

Lt. Foster insists that Mrs. Gilchrest, along with his other accusers, simply did not see the apparent danger of their activities. “A lady walking alone without a gentleman to guard her virtue is a hazard to herself and others. I was only seeking to prevent the lady from being molested by these infernal Scots!”

Lt. Foster has apparently assisted dozens of women, most of whom were not in any way troubled at the time. From walking them across the street to carrying baskets of gathered herbs or vegetables, Lt. Foster has managed to accomplish a variety of chores that – according to several Scotsmen – are “women’s work” and now the women “are expecting their husbands to help.” Mr. William Gilchrest objected, “He canna come ‘round here, helpin’ our women who dinna need it, and think there wouldna be no consequences! Now my Donalda thinks that I’ll be fetchin’ her knitting!”

More problematically, Lt. Foster’s efforts have overlooked a variety of ladies who were, in fact, being troubled at the time. Whilst assisting Mrs. Gilchrest across the path, for example, Ms. Mairie MacKenzie was being felt up by clansman Angus Mhor behind the waulking shed. “I could hae used his help,” she said, “But no! He’s walkin’ little old ladies across the path and pickin’ up dropped handkerchiefs!”

It is unclear if Ms. MacKenzie will be filing charges against Mr. Mhor, but Lt. Foster has lost the privilege of wearing his gold gorget for 2 weeks as punishment for his behavior, which Cpt. Jonathan Randall has deemed “unbecoming of an officer of His Majesty’s army.”

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