Dear Highlander: My Wife Won’t Put Out!


October 23, 2014 by Writing Campus

Rupert and Angus Wedding Night
Each week on Thursdays, Rupert & Angus answer your most pressing concerns!  Submit your questions via Twitter or Facebook messenger.

Dear Highlander,

I write to ye with a problem I know many men have – they get marrit thinkin’ that their beloved will open her heart … and her legs to her new husband. For a wee bit o’ time, my wife and I had wonderful relations, but then she wilna anymore! But once a month is the most she’ll let me touch her. I dinna want to be unfaithful or force myself on her like some foul beast, but I have needs! I’m marrit, and I shouldna have to take care of these things myself. What should I do?


In Lust and Love

Dear In Lust and Love,

Rupert: Frein, hae ye considered the ye’re no verra good at it? I can imagine – you, grindin’ away at her corn, and her, comin’ up with the market list in her heid. Women dinna like it in general, so ye probably just took too long about yer business. Accept that if ye want female companionship, ye may have to seek yer pleasures elsewhere, and save yer coin for it! Otherwise, see that your left hand gets jealous of yer right.

Angus: Psh, weel of course Rupert would say that it’s because yer no good at it – he’s a daft bastard himself when it comes to getting his business done. Ye have to woo a woman every time, and the wooin’ never stops even when ye’re marrit! In fact, I hear it’s more important, not less. Brush yer hair and have a wee dram of whiskey. Get yer courage together, man! She’s yer wife, and she’s sworn in front of God and country that she’ll take ye, hackit, huddy, or honkin’. Should that no work, then perhaps Rupert’s advice isna so bad… and God doesna forbid it, after all. Just ask Father Bain!

Best of luck to ye,

Rupert and Angus


5 thoughts on “Dear Highlander: My Wife Won’t Put Out!

  1. Terri Megaridis says:

    Thanks for the advice will be sure to pass it along.


  2. Sandra says:

    Maybe buy her some dirty bodice ripper paperbacks to read that usually does the trick.


  3. Beth says:

    I’m surprised Angus didn’t just tell him to shag some wee beasties if all else fails!


  4. Terry says:

    I love this advice panel right or wrong


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