Dear Highlander: My wife is a terrible cook!

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October 2, 2014 by Writing Campus

Angus and Rupert
Relationship and love advice from our two experts, Angus Mhor and Rupert MacKenzie!

Dear Highlander,

I marrit my wife about three months ago. She’s a beautiful lass, with a bonny face and a fat rump.   Every night, I canna wait to get my hands on her in bed. But I’m afraid I’ll starve to death in the next year if she doesna improve her cookin’! Everything she makes tastes like it just came out of the rubbish bin or like she tried to kill it with salt. I’ve brought in game only to have her make venison into wersh jerky over a fire. Her parritch tastes like horse glue!

Highlander, what should I do?

Signed,

Hungry In Love

Dear Hungry In Love,

Rupert: Weel, I can see you’re in a bit of a difficult situation, frein. If ye insult the lady’s cookin’, you’re likely to starve regardless of if she’s a terrible cook or no. Do ye no have a tavern or pub ye can visit? Perhaps grab a bannock or two before ye go home for the day? Before ye work yerself to death rutting away at her like a stag in season, ye’ll need at least a wee bite.

Angus: Havers, Rupert’s an eejit! Ye canna start eating away from home, or ye’ll never get a peek under her skirts again! Don’t be footerin’ about with tavern food when ye’ve got a woman at home to do the work. If there’s one way to get a woman to improve her cookin’, it’s to compliment another woman’s cookin’. When it’s convenient, say how good Mistress Duncan’s parritch is, or how you’re full on bannocks from Mrs. Fitzgibbon’s kitchen. Jealousy will do the trick!

 

For more advice from Rupert & Angus, click here!

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