NEWSFLASH: Father Bain Expels 200th Demon, Wins Vatican’s ‘Top Exorcist’ Award for 1743


September 23, 2014 by Writing Campus

Father Bain

Father Bain

CRANESMUIR – Local curate Father Bain received a surprise delivery this morning at his rectory: a parcel from the Vatican stating he had won “Top Exorcist of 1743.” Last month, Bain completed his 200th exorcism of a small child who had visited the Black Kirk.

Bain had recently returned from calling out a legion of demons from a sow in the neighboring down of Culcross. “I am pleased that the Lord allows news of my fight with Satan to travel so quickly,” the Father intoned, noting, “For according to Ephesians 4:27, all know that we ‘give not place to the devil.’”

Enclosed in the parcel were a congratulatory letter, a signed drawing of his Holiness Benedict XIV, a new rosary, and a 15% off coupon for the Black Sheep, Cranesmuir’s tavern.

Head housekeeper at Castle Leoch, Glenna Fitzgibbons, crossed herself and observed that Father Bain has “muckle experience with the poor laddies who go to the Black Kirk.”   Mrs. Fitz, as she is known, asked, “Is it really so few? Faither will exorcise practically anything!”

Father Bain, who has attended the parish of Cranesmuir for nearly 23 years, has never visited the Black Sheep. Citing 1 Corinthians, “Nor the effeminate, nor liers with mankind, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor railers, nor extortioners, shall possess the kingdom of God,” Bain indicated that he would give the coupon to notorious local drunk Angus Mhor.

The picture of his Holiness, Bain stated, would be put in a place of honor amongst his few belongings, noting that the “Gospels dinna forbid such things.”


One thought on “NEWSFLASH: Father Bain Expels 200th Demon, Wins Vatican’s ‘Top Exorcist’ Award for 1743

  1. […] – In the wake of the recent epidemic of demonic possessions (click here for the story) in the greater Leoch/Cranesmuir region, holy water supplies have run perilously low. […]


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