NEWSFLASH: Procurator Fiscal Farts Audibly at Clan Gathering

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September 22, 2014 by Writing Campus

Geillis and Arthur Duncan

Oath-takings at the MacKenzie Clan Gathering, held last night at Castle Leoch, were interrupted when local Procurator Fiscal Arthur Duncan released an audible fart mid-ceremony. Rupert MacKenzie had just kissed the blade of his dirk when Duncan emitted the gas, which brought the ceremony to a halt. Duncan proceeded to fart eight more times, increasing in volume and pitch until the emissions reached a squeal-like noise.

Duncan, 53, is known for his digestive troubles, according to his wife, Geillis. “Oh, Arthur farts like an ox, ye ken,” she said at the scene. “He must have neglected his peppermint with the excitement of the Gathering.”

Geillis, a known healer, has been unable to treat her husband’s flatulence in the years of their marriage. When asked about her husband’s condition, she remarked, “There’s no healing a windy bum. Be glad we no had cabbage for lunch!”

One bystander, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, stated that Duncan’s gas brought the already malodorous affair to an “offensive” level of stench that detracted from the solemnity of the ceremony. “What a grave insult to the Laird,” the individual stated, “to have an oath interrupted by such foul fairts.”

Castle Leoch’s English healer, a Mrs. Claire Beauchamp, whose skill with physic is becoming renowned, could not be found for comment regarding the Fiscal’s condition.


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